Looking for the perfect Chardonnay

[Bucko]

Buttery/oily -- means malolactic fermentation, which often leads to soft or flabby wines.

Heavy/leggy -- legs have nothing to do with the wine, rather imperfections in the glass itself.

Heavy tannins -- white wines don't have heavy tannins, and even if they did, this is not a desired quality in wine -- balanced tannins are.

Vanilla -- equals oak.

Smoky -- equals oak.

Subtle fruit, preferably pear -- the most desirable component of wine placed last?

Me thinks thou pullest our leg.