+- WineBoard (https://www.wines.com/wineboard)
+-- Forum: GENERAL (https://www.wines.com/wineboard/forum-100.html)
+--- Forum: Rants & Raves (https://www.wines.com/wineboard/forum-12.html)
+--- Thread: Feelin' punny... (/thread-12632.html)
- Georgie - 12-19-2006
Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?†they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
- Innkeeper - 12-19-2006
Punny, punny, very punny.
- Bucko - 12-19-2006
Groan......
- wondersofwine - 12-19-2006
Loved them, Georgie. I will forward to several friends. I believe in oh pun communications.
- Kcwhippet - 12-19-2006
A frog hopped into a certain bank and went up to Ms Patricia Ann Wack, the senior loan officer, where he inquired as to the possibility of securing a sizable loan. After finally overcoming her incredible amazement, the loan officer decided to ask some qualification questions.
"We have never given a loan to a frog before. What could you possibly have for collateral?" she asked.
"Well, I have this very valuable family heirloom." he replied as he held a tiny pink ceramic elephant.
"I'm not so sure that will be acceptable" she retorted. "Is there any chance you might have any acceptable references?"
"Well, as a matter of fact I do - several" said the frog. "My father is Mick Jagger, and we're family friends of your bank's Vice President."
She'd now had enough of this charade, so the loan manager said "Wait here while I get some guidance from my superior."
Whereupon she went into the Vice President's office and said "You won't believe me but there's a frog out there who wants a loan. He says his father is Mick Jagger and he knows you too. All he has for collateral is this little ceramic elephant. What should I do?"
To which the VP replied "That's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
- Georgie - 12-19-2006
Oh my goodness....somebody really stayed up all night to think of that one, KC! Ha!
- Bucko - 12-20-2006
Okay, I used a couple of these on patients today -- they got worse. [img]http://wines.com/ubb/biggrin.gif[/img]
- Kcwhippet - 12-20-2006
I am merely the messenger, Georgie girl. We hope you have a very wonderful and blessed Christmas. You are in our prayers.
- winoweenie - 12-20-2006
Too bloomin funny for words dear teach. Will try to reach you this week-nd. XXs&OOs. WW
- wondersofwine - 12-20-2006
Great addition, KC.
- Innkeeper - 12-20-2006
From another forum:
A man goes into his dentist's office and complains because there is something wrong with his mouth.
After a brief consultation the dentist exclaims "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded. What on earth have you been eating?"
The man replied "Well, the only thing I can think of is this -- my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it. Hollandaise sauce she called it.
"And doctor, I'm talking 'delicious'. I've never tasted anything like it.
Ever since then I've been putting it on everything - meat, fish, toast, vegetables - you name it."
The dentist responded "That's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but this time made of chrome."
Why chrome?" the man asked.
The dentist replied "Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
- Bucko - 12-20-2006
Man, it is getting deep around here -- and I'm in chest waders! [img]http://wines.com/ubb/biggrin.gif[/img]
- Georgie - 12-20-2006
Love it!
- Drew - 12-21-2006
Just Who Is Jack Schitt Anyway?
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as "Noe Schitt-Sherlock."
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the "Schitt-Happens" wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were: Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
- winoweenie - 12-21-2006
See what you started Georgie Love?WW [img]http://wines.com/ubb/wink.gif[/img]
- Georgie - 12-21-2006
Yes! and I am certainly enjoying these! I need to smile....Christmas week with third graders, need I say more?
Here's something a friend sent me.
WORKIN' IN AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
>sung to "Winter Wonderland")
> Children scream, they're not listenin'
> When they go, we're not missin' em',
> in all of this pain, we try to stay sane,
> Workin' in an elementary school.
>
> Christmas comes, they're excited,
> Though our nerves, they've ignited,
> They're off of the walls, they run in the halls,
> Workin' in an elementary school.
>
> In the lunchroom we can hear them yellin'
> and we know that they are really wound.
> Someone hits, the other says, "I'm tellin'!"
> And that is when our heads begin to pound.
>
> Pretty soon we'll be restin'
> cause our nerves, they've been testin'
> we're happy it's clear,
> it just comes once a year
> Christmas in an Elementary School!!!
>